Freak Out Friday: Main Street Update

I haven't talked about our life on Main Street for a while, and I thought some of you might be curious.

Last April Charlie accepted a temporary position with a non-profit organization. It was supposed to last 6 months but instead it lasted until now, which was 11 months. Recently he accepted a permanent position with the same organization, and started in the position last week. We're thrilled, with reservations. He used to work in for-profit and now he works in non-profit, and you know, it's called a NON-profit for a reason. They aren't pocketing any extra change and neither are we.

What's funny is that I continue to feel like I have money to spend on any old thing. For example, there are a set of bookshelves that I want for our living room and I keep talking about what I will put on them once we have them. But I'm not going to buy those book shelves. My friends sign their kids up for activities that I can't afford, but I still gather all of the information about the classes. I check the schedule and see if Kai is old enough to do it too, I ask other parents if they are going to sign their kids up...and then I never sign up. I do this over and over again and I can not help it. I guess old habits die hard. It's like my body and brain are operating on an elaborate system of muscle memory, moving and thinking the way they learned, regardless of what has been true for the last 2.5 years.

When I consider the classes or the bookshelves or whatever, I feel like I'm trying to be someone I'm not. Like maybe I don't belong in this social circle any more, this circle of people who buy shelves for their living room and sign their kids up for classes outside of the park district. I start to think that I have to find new people. This is ridiculous, of course. I've got a great group of friends.

I feel like an imposter, but it doesn't make any sense because we do spend money on non-essential things. I bought a book. Charlie bought me flowers. We ordered indian food. I got my hair highlighted. The boys are in a bunch of classes through the park district.

Spending money on non-essential things is a slippery slope though. I buy a book and get dinner delivered and I start to feel like I've got spending money for other things too. I say something to Charlie like, "Let's go away to a water park for the weekend!" Then he looks at me like I just asked him to ride a hippo across the desert and I remember that we have a new normal, and it doesn't include a water park and I better return those new shoes.

Darn it. I hate making returns.