Swoon

Kai,

You are almost one year old and when you lay your head on my shoulder your hair is still warm against my cheek. When I lay you in your crib your little fingers grip my shirt and your little legs wrap themselves around my waist and you bury your head into my neck and fall asleep right there in my arms. If I had legs of steel and a stronger back and no need to sleep I would stand there all night, holding you in my arms, breathing your sweet milky breath and resting my cheek on your sweaty little head.

Tonight I stood there knowing that I had to lay you down and wondering why we don't just pull you in to our bed with us any more and dreading the pleading cry that would surely come as soon as I lifted your head from my shoulder, and I stood for minutes, hours, days, swaying back and forth next to your crib, as if you were a newborn and you had never been out of my arms. When I laid you down, on your back this time because I couldn't pry you far enough away from me to turn you around so you could lay on your belly like you prefer, you looked up at me, turned your head to the side, closed your eyes and fell back asleep. Your little arms straight out to the side, spanning the crib, and your legs, bent up like little frog legs. I wanted to stay, but I tip-toed out.

Earlier today we sat on the couch together. Actually, you were standing, leaning into the back of the couch and looking out the window. You reached over and grabbed a magazine, ripped a corner off of a page, and put it in your mouth. I was afraid to reach in your mouth to grab it, for fear of pushing it back farther. So you know what I did? I ripped off a piece of the magazine and put it in my mouth, to see how quickly it softened up, so I would know what sort of choking hazard we were dealing with.

Today Jett taught you how to take a bite of a banana. We were having a picnic at the zoo and I had brought along a banana for you, although you've never eaten one that wasn't mashed. I kept putting it to your lips and you kept smiling and smiling and slobbering all over it. I know you know how to bite shoulders, so I just assumed you'd know how to bite bananas, silly me. I brought Jett over to you to demonstrate. Oh, he is so cute and funny. He took his tutoring role quite seriously and did it all in slow motion while you watched. Then I put the banana up to your mouth and presto! You took a bite. Just like Jett. You and I clapped and clapped for Jett and then Jett and I clapped and clapped for you and I can not deny that we were all quite proud of ourselves for that little banana-biting accomplishment.

You are almost one year old, Kai, and you are not quite pulling up on furniture and you are not quite finished with pureed food and you are not quite sleeping through the night lately, but when I hold you you curl up in my arms like a little peanut in it's shell and you cover my cheeks with big open mouth kisses and you clap your hands like the whole world is a complete delight, and you know, sometimes it is.