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I recently stumbled on a way to wake him up from his nap so he will be happy. (He naps in my bed. He still, as always, wakes up grumpy from his nap - that hasn't changed). I used to sit on the edge of my bed and talk to him and rub his arm and kiss his face to wake him up for school. He hated it. One afternoon I napped with him and woke him up by draping my arm across him, since I was laying next to him. He giggled. Now before I wake him up I just crawl in to bed next to him. He wakes up and he smiles and I breathe a sigh of relief.
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Last week Sunday I was supposed to babysit for my friend the morning of Jett's third (of four) birthday party (pictures coming soon). I would have been watching my two kids and hers - all great friends. She had just babysat my kids all day the day before (Friday), and while I know Jett had a blast, he was still recovering from, I think, the effort of having so much fun. I was eager to help my friend by babysitting for her, but on Saturday I was concerned that Jett wouldn't be in good form by the time his birthday party rolled around Sunday afternoon. She was like, "Isn't his birthday party tomorrow?" And that's when I realized that other parents don't do this. They don't get so worried about their kid having enough down time in between play dates. Their kids get worn-out by a day-long play date. Mine gets stressed-out.
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Jett's preschool gets out in the afternoon and a handful of the parents stay and let their kids play on the playground after school. It's fun for the kids and for the parents, and I love it. We stand around and talk at the end of the day while the kids run and play. If only I didn't have to stay within 30 yards of Jett the whole time. Because I'll just admit it, he is the first to hit/push/collapse in an angry heap on the playground.
The other parents seem to be able to stand on the periphery of the playground and talk and keep a sufficient eye on their kid. But I have to walk away in the middle of conversations because I lose sight of Jett and the kid can get angry in the blink of an eye. I've tried warnings, time-outs, sitting on the bench, taking a break in the car, but the fact is, after a little push we have to leave. His behavior doesn't get better. We just have to leave. I don't know any other parent who has had to leave the playground because their child was so aggressive. Sure all of the kids get in to tussles once in a while, but only one kid gets in to nearly every one, every time. I don't know any other parent on the playground who goes through this and so no one knows how much I hate it.
When he's really grumpy I can't take him to the playground at all. I hate missing the playground.
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One of Jett's teachers told me that she thinks Jett gets aggressive when he doesn't have the words for what he wants to say. I accepted that but didn't quite understand what she meant until I saw a sorting exercise he did with his teacher:
Jett asked me to stay with him at school the other day, so I did. His teacher called him and two of his friends over to her table to do a couple of "exercises". She gave each child a handful of plastic shapes in various colors and she told them to each sort their own pile by color. Jett was the first one done. He stacked them in to one pile and put the yellow ones on the bottom, the green ones on top of them, then the red, and finally the blue ones on the very top. His teacher asked him to tell her what he did. He said something like, "There's the yellow, there's the green, there's the red, and the blue on top." Then she asked his friend to tell her what she did, and this little girl explained in vivid and precise detail exactly what she had done. She gave too much detail if that is possible. She wrote a novel right there on the spot. She easily spoke 10 sentences to every one of his.
Maybe it is a communication learning curve. Maybe it is more of a development stage than a personality trait. I mean, he is a really sweet kid. A sweet kid with a mean right hook.
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I went to talk to this organization that runs play groups and parenting classes. I talked to them on the phone 4 or 5 times before going in for an "intake" meeting. I spent over an hour with one of their staff members while my kids played in the preschool room. At the end of the hour the staff member told me the cost of the program. I thought it was $400 total for three months, but actually it was $400 per month, and so I did the only thing someone would do who no longer qualifies for the reduced price because after a year and a half her family is employed again: I burst in to tears. Then I went to pick up my kids from the playgroup to find them covered in cookie crumbs with their mouths stained yellow from frosting. wtf? I will not pay $1200 for you to stuff my kids with more sugar in 2 hours than I feed them in two days, thank you very much. Also, you didn't let me observe the preschool room before leaving my kids there. Also in 4 or 5 phone calls I think you could have made sure I understood the cost before charging me $30 for an intake meeting and wasting 2 hours.
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One of Jett's teachers gave me some "cheat sheets" as I call them. One is a laminated sheet of paper with four faces on it, each showing a different emotion: happy, sad, tired, angry. The other is a flip chart of options that Jett can choose to help him calm down. She made one flip chart of options he can do at home (Take a deep breath, Count to 10, Get a drink of water, Sit on the couch, Play in your room, etc.). She also made a chart of options he can do when we are out and about (Sit on the bench, sit in the car, etc.). They are pocket-sized so I can take them with me. The idea is that when he gets out of control, I am to ask him what he is feeling (he can point to one of the faces) and why. This is to work on identifying his feelings, practicing talking about them, and finding better ways to manage them. Then I give him the choices of how to cool down. Jett was thrilled with this game, and spent the entire dinner hour pretending he was one emotion or the other, and then choosing an option to "cool down", and then leaving the dinner table to go do it (Play in your room was his favorite). By the end of dinner I needed to cool down. Sadly, chugging a beer was not one of the options on the chart. Still, I'm optimistic about the charts. Also, thankful for such a committed teacher.
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One day a couple of weeks ago Jett hit a little kid, who looked about two years old, who was standing on the playground in front of the slide. I jumped up there, carried Jett off the play structure and to the car, calling apologies to the other mom. Later I asked Jett why he hit that little boy. He told me he hit that boy because he was blocking the slide. I told him that he wasn't trying to block the slide, he was just standing in front of it. I asked Jett why he didn't just ask him to move. Jett told me he didn't talk to him because he didn't know him. He said it matter-of-fact, like of course - no one talks to kids they don't know.
So I reminded Jett that he didn't know any of his school friends until he met them on the first day, and isn't he so glad he talked to them? I told him he can talk to kids he doesn't know. I told him what to say if he needed to ask someone to move out of the way. I told him how to say, "Hi". Really, I told him how to say that and we practiced. We practiced saying "hi". We took turns being Jett, and being The Kid Jett Doesn't Know. It was goofy and we laughed, and we did it.
The next day we saw our neighbor, Rene. Rene is a nice man in his, I don't know, 60s say, and we have lived next door to him for maybe 6 years now. We saw Rene and out of the blue, for the first time in 4 years, Jett said, "Hi" to him. (Kai has been saying "Hi" to him for months). Rene was wonderful. He solemnly shook Jett's hand. I wanted to hug him. Now Jett says "hi" to everyone who walks by us on the street. Today he wanted our neighbor to walk by again just so he could say "hi" to him again. I'm thrilled, but holy crap, if I had known that all I had to do was teach him how to say "hi" I would have done it months ago. I had no idea I needed to teach him how to, or that it is ok to, say "hi". What else do I need to teach him? Isn't there a list of these things somewhere?
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Somebody who knows about these things told me he just needs more "modeling". She told me to make up stories of kids doing things he does - like trying to go down the slide first, for example, and in the story, have the kids work it out the right way. So I did, and she was right. He gobbles those stories up. He wants to know how they got down the slide. Who is going first next time? He is happy when they work it out and take turns going first. He tells me stories of similar situations in his own life. I can't believe it.
I finally, and accidentally, came up with two main characters for these recurring stories: two boys named Cory and Fossil. Although once Jett told me that Cory is a girl, so it really doesn't matter. (Also, if you want to know how I came up with the name Fossil, it went like this: I thought of the name Cory which reminded me of coral, which kind of looks like a fossil to me, and fossil kind of sounds like coral which sounds like Cory, thus Cory and Fossil). Cory and Fossil get in to all sorts of predicaments and their moms are always kind and fair. Tonight Jett told me a story of Cory and Fossil, which kind of corresponded to one of the arguments we had today, although it was probably just coincidence...or are things starting to come together?
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Tonight I picked Jett up from school and he was mad that he couldn't take a toy from school home, and then he hit his brother, and then we skipped the playground and went home, and then he kept hitting his brother and hitting me so he went into his room for a time out about a gazillion times and eventually he stomped angrily to bed.
I followed him in to his room and sat down next to his bed. He told me a story about Cory and Fossil and asked me to rub his back and told me he loves me this much (arms spread wide until they reached behind his back). I told him I loved him even more than that. That made him mad and he punched his pillow with his fist because he said I can't love him more than he loves me, because he loves the most.
Oh that kid!
1 comment:
After sitting in some of the classes I feel like the girls are much more verbally developed than most of the boys. I think the boys will catch up at some point in the future! :)
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